The truth hurts...

Monday, June 15th - (Yesterday)....

When I woke up yesterday all I could think about, at least at first, was the fact that I felt fat. Like, I mean, I felt the sluggish, achy, normalcy of my life. Having just turned 50, nine months ago, I also felt old. But that is not how I wanted to feel at age 50. Right before my 50th birthday I was feeling pretty good. I had lost a bunch of weight and was starting to feel better about how my clothes fit, but as always I went right back to eating the way that I was used to (being spoiled by my husband, who is an amazing cook). But, to be fair, he doesn't force me to open my mouth and shove all that food in. That's all on me, and yesterday as I laid in my bed feeling thoughtful, I thought about it. I realized, for me, food is pleasure, it's comfort, it's love, it's abundance, it's wealth, it's happiness. It's reward. It's always been those things for me, until now. Now food was turning into something else. Something dreadful. Food was turning into poison. How much more of it could I eat before I get really sick? I'm pre-diabetic, and obese. I hate to admit it, but this is the biggest I have ever been in my life, and to some people they would say I'm not obese, they would say I'm fine just as I am. But, it's not about weight for me, it's about how I feel, and believe me, I feel bad. So, I decided, or rather felt like, I should take a look at what I am eating, and just think about it. That took all of 5 seconds for me to realize that I eat like a warrior, and yet, I sit on my butt all day at work, and I sit on my butt all night after work, and all that food, well... it's just going to all my plump juicy little food stores all over my body, because I'm not active. Yup. I suck. I eat too much, and I can't stop myself when I do. Because I have it in my head that food is all kinds of amazing, and I worry about not getting enough nutrients. What I should worry about is possibly dying from eating too much food. That's what I should worry about. Blah. I have a predicament. I'm a foodie who enjoys being lazy. This is about that and keeping track of my food and changing my food, and blogging how I feel about the food I ate.

I have to do something, and paying attention to my feelings with foods are going to be part of it. One tiny bit of food at a time.

And, maybe, if I can motivate myself to do so, maybe I will exercise too. I hate sweating. There's that also. Big sigh. This isn't going to be easy. But, here I am.